THE ELEVEN SECRETS OF LIFE

	River Valley Psychological Services

Dr. Connolly's Definitions

Acceptance	The willingness to take another person or yourself exactly as they are without expectation, criticism or judgment.
Argument	Loss of fairness in the desire to be right. The usual outcome is making an enemy.
Blame	The attempt to instill guilt.
Commitment	The willingness to resolve conflict.
Conflict	A difference between two people (see Fight). Usually a difference of opinion.
Congruent Action	When your behavior matches your principles.
Contrition	Feeling badly enough for failing in responsibility that one doesn't do it again.
Courage	The willingness to act when you are afraid or have something to lose. Courage cannot be utilized without a state of fear existing.
Discussion	The attempt to resolve a conflict by agreeing on a fair solution.
Elements of Self Esteem	Acceptance, limits and mastery.
Fair	Balanced between the objectives of the parties involved.
Faith	My decision to believe in another’s promises or statements.
Fight	A difference between two people plus disrespectful behavior that both engage in.
Forgiveness	Understanding the other person's limitations. Not the same as forgetting.
Guilt	The failure to assess accurate responsibility in a given situation.
Happiness	The condition of living without fear.
Health	A system in balance.
Hurt	The intentional infliction of pain.
Lie	The intentional statement of something known to be untrue.
Limits	The willingness to control one’s own behavior or to set boundary on the behavior of others insofar as it affects oneself.
Love	Feeling good in the presence of the other. The combination of passion, acceptance and commitment.
Mastery	The willingness to devote energy into accomplishment for self or assistance of others.
Pain	The experience of imbalance.
Passion	The willingness to devote interests or energy to another person or activity.
Path of Wisdom	That place between the two swamps (see Swamp) characterized by the creation of safety and Congruent Action.
Philosophy	A set of guidelines for the conduct of life. Everybody needs one.
Responsibility	The antidote to shame, blame and guilt by simply owning what is in your control, and refusing what isn't.
Safety	Physical, emotional, sexual and interpersonal sense of well being in the presence of others.
Self Esteem	The value I place on the decisions I’ve made in the last 24 hours.
Shame	The acceptance of guilt.
Swamp of Right	That place reserved for people who buy into the illusion that they will be safe if they are right, in control or better than others.
Swamp of Wrong	That place reserved for people who lose the hope of being safe with another and therefore don’t care what they do.
Trust	The ability to predict another person’s behavior 80-90 percent of the time in a given situation.
Truth	The overlap of two perceptions.
Wisdom	The creation of mutual safety; also the product of self esteem.
Worry	What we do when we want to control something and we can't.

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